Nine Months

I've tried so hard today to avoid the thoughts of my little Jude. But it's been 9 months exactly. When will the day come that I don't wake up on the 2nd of the month and think "Oh, it's been x-number of months today"? Certainly not yet. I just feel like I'm never going to get better...I'm never going to be happy again...I'm never going to be able to make it through. In some ways, it feels like I had him just yesterday, but in others it seems so long ago. So much has happened since then.
At work, I'm not allowed to be sad, so I'm just the usual "Happy Tonya", but let me tell you, that's awfully hard. Especially when I have to take people on tours of Willow Creek or the NICU. Every little baby I see is compared to him in my mind. When will I stop doing that? It's just so hard. And it sucks. And I don't WANT to be "Happy Tonya". I want to be "break down bawling so hard that I can't breathe and I can't move Tonya". But that's not feasible. I've got to take care of me, and I've got to take care of Savanna, and as hard as it is, I have to keep keeping on.
God has been faithful. He has given me strength. But it's still hard. Every day it's hard.
This song has been on my heart lately, and it's given me some strength. I have faith that He'll continue to save me...I just have to be patient as I heal. (Ironically, this particular performance was recorded at a place called Willow Creek Arts Center.)



If anyone out there is still praying for me, please continue to do so. I need all the strength I can get.

Jealousy

So, with my new job, I'm out and about at clinics all the time. On Thursday, as I was walking into one of our family practice clinics, I stopped to hold the door open for a young lady who was walking in. I guess she saw my badge and assumed I worked there, so she started to tell me about her condition. She told me that she is 6 months pregnant, and has been having what she thinks are contractions all morning, and asked me what she needed to do. I told her that I'm not the right person to ask that question, but that she probably should go see an OB/GYN. She told me that she HADN'T EVEN BEEN TO SEE ONE HER WHOLE PREGANCY! I don't know why she hasn't done this, because she also informed me that she has "pregnant woman's medicaid". I was taken aback, but I was very nice to her...I gave her instructions on where to go to get help, and she went on her way. After she was gone, jealousy set in. She's 6 months pregant, and she hasn't even cared about her baby enough to go see a doctor! I called and made my first prenatal appointment within minutes of seeing the positive indicator on the pregnancy test! And, if she doesn't even care enough to see doctors during the pregnancy, is she doing other things to take care of herself? Is she eating right? Is she avoiding all the things a pregnant woman should avoid (esp drugs and alcohol)? And if she's not taking care of the baby now, will she take care of him after he is born? It makes me so jealous. I mean, I tried so hard to take such good care of myself when I was pregnant with Jude, but it did me no good. By the time I was as far along as this lady, I was planning a delivery and a funeral. She'll probably get a perfectly healthy baby, and I got less than an hour with a little guy that I knew was on his way to heaven.
I know it's not good to be jealous, but it's so hard not to be. It's just not fair.

MIA

I know that I've been missing in action from posting on this blog. Heck, I haven't even posted on Vanni's blog in forever, and hers is fun to post on. Maybe everyone has even forgotten that this blog exists. If so, maybe that's good. Maybe I can vent and feel like no one's going to read it and think, "this chick is losing her mind". But, even if people reading this think I'm crazy, I just feel I'm led to post here tonight.
Everything is so hard right now. In the last week, I've gone through Jude's 3 month birthday and the due date that he "should" have been born on. Plus, my husband had a birthday. It's so hard for me to help him celebrate. He's not really in the mood for it either. I don't know. It just seems like we're both SO down. I pray for comfort and I pray for peace, but it is so stinking hard right now. I'm just sad. And I want to give in to that sadness. I want to sit and cry for hours and not have to worry about what people will think. And then I want to be the old Tonya again. The one who can be happy, and that can laugh without feeling guilty. But I'm not that Tonya anymore, and I'm terrified that I never will be again.

Happy? Mother's Day

Yes, I meant to put the question mark after happy in the title of this post. There are so many reasons for me to be happy this Mother's Day...I still have my mommy, who is amazing in every way. I'm still Savanna's mommy, and she loves me very much. My brother and his family are in town, and I'm so happy to be able to spend time with them. My husband has been very caring toward me, and my step-kids have been being more appreciative. My health is better, and I have a great new job.
I'm very thankful for all of my blessings, but I find it impossible not to be sad on Mother's Day. I wish Jude were still here, so I could be his Mommy, too. I'll probably cry a lot today. I hope nobody minds.

Prayer Requests

I know that a lot of people who check my blogs have very strong faith, so I'm hoping that you'll all join together in praying for a couple of things that are on my heart.
First of all, my mom has been battling cancer for a while now. She's truly the strongest (physically and emotionally) person that I've ever met in my life. And I'm not biased...she just has really been strong through a lot of tough circumstances. Mom started radiation last week, and although her spirits remain good, physically she is not feeling great. Please pray for her body to handle the radiation better, and for her spirits to remain high. She's had a good attitude and great faith through everything that she's gone through, but I know that having prayer warriors in her corner will always help.
Secondly, I know it might sound silly to anyone who is not an animal lover, but in my family, our pets are our kids. So, I was really sad to hear today that my Aunt Beverly's dog Mindy is sick. Beverly and my Uncle Bub were supposed to come and visit from Houston this weekend, but they're postponing so that they can make sure that everything is okay with Mindy. Please pray that Mindy will begin to feel better and that Beverly and Bub will have peace of mind that their sweet dog will be okay.
Thanks to all for every prayer that's been said on the behalf of myself and my family over these last several months.

Turn the Page

The last several months of my life have been so hard. My mom (who is my world!) has been dealing with cancer...going through chemo and now radiation, my job was not good, my health has been less than great, and, of course, my baby boy didn't survive. It's been heartache after heartache, and I'm so ready for some good times. Hopefully, this week is the beginning of a new, happier chapter in my life.
Today, I started my new job. It's really nice to be back in the hospital. So many people have seemed excited to see me, and very happy to have me back. I went to several clinics today, and the doctors that I saw all seemed ecstatic that I was taking on this new role, and that I would be available to help them through any issues that they have.
Physically, I'm feeling a lot better. Emotionally, I have my good moments and my bad moments. But the bad moments are fewer and further between now. I still can't think of Jude without fighting tears, but sometimes I win the battle and don't cry.
Hopefully the new job will bring a new perspective on the sadness of the past several months. I pray that it will.

One Month

So today is officially one month since my little guy was born and died. In ways, it feels like it was just yesterday, but in others, it feels like this month has dragged by. I wonder how long it will be before the 2nd of a month goes by without me thinking, "Jude would have been x months old today"? I don't want to forget about it, but I hope that the next one doesn't hurt as much as today has. Today has been horrible...tears for no reason, easily angered, feelings hurt easily...just pretty much a miserable day.
The good news is that I went to the doctor today, and he said I'm healing well. He told me I can start going to the gym, which I'm really happy about. I've had a membership at the new gym in Lowell since before it opened in November, but haven't used it because I've been so sick. I'm actually looking forward to getting in the pool and swimming some laps. And, once my ab muscles feel a little better, I want to go back to pilates classes. So, I guess it's good that I'm looking forward to something.
The doctor also said I could go back to work. I'm going to be off next week, and then I'll go a week from Monday. Next week, BJ and I are going to Branson for a few nights...just the two of us. We've NEVER gone away alone together...we even took the kids on our honeymoon. I'm terrified of being away from Savanna for more than 24 hours, but I'm looking forward to some time with no kids and no obligations for us to have together. We can't afford to do much while we're there, but the trip itself isn't costing much. I went on one of those timeshare tour thingies that gave me 3 nights in a hotel, a $30 gift certificate for dinner, and 2 show tickets, so that's some entertainment for no money. BJ's never been to an IMAX, so I think we're going to try and do that while we're there, too. I think it will be good to have some time just us.
So, I've actually got a few things I'm looking forward to. I guess that's a step in the right direction.

Feeling like a bad mom...

I just finished updating Savanna's blog. I hadn't updated it in a while, and I had lots of pictures to post. I feel bad that I'm so wrapped up in myself and in my sadness that I don't focus on her as much as I want to. She is so amazing. Absolutely beautiful and wonderful and sweet and smart and funny and every other perfect adjective that I can think of. I love her more than I can say, but I just feel robbed that I won't get to watch Jude grow like I get to watch her. I'm so thankful for her, and I hope I don't ever take for granted how blessed I am to have her...I just wish I had her little brother, too.
On top of all my feelings of inadequacy with Savanna, I'm really struggling with my role as a step-mom right now. We had Josie all week last week for Spring Break, and we have both Jos and Dec all week this week. I love, love, love, love, love my step kids, but they're soooo attached to their dad. I know that's a good thing. But, them being so attached to him sometimes makes me feel unwanted and unloved. BJ has been working overnights, and every night that he has to work, Josie freaks out and cries because he's not going to be here. It makes me feel so bad about myself...like she doesn't like me or something. I hate that. And I'm totally not used to it. My whole life, kids have loved me. It makes me feel horrible to feel like my own step kids don't love me.
I don't know...maybe all of this is just a result of overwhelming hormones from the past month. But right now, I feel like a total failure as a mommy. I couldn't sustain my little Jude's life, my little Vanni doesn't get the mommy she deserves, and my step kids could care less about me. I pray I can be a good mom someday.

Across the Universe

Last night, our church had a "joint service" with Oak Manor church in Fayetteville. It was a real blessing, and felt really good to worship with others that we don't usually worship with. They had asked BJ and I to help with the band. BJ played bass, and I sang. It was the first time I had sang since Jude, but I held it together better than I expected to. I didn't cry at all until prayer time.
By the end of the service, poor little Vanni was exhausted, so we didn't get to stay for fellowship time. Instead, we came home, put her to bed, and put in a movie.
We've both been wanting to see the movie Across the Universe, so we decided to watch that. It's a really weird movie, but the whole movie integrates Beatles songs into the storyline. The remakes of the songs are actually really good, and there are some very talented singers. Unfortunately for me, the main character's name was Jude. It really struck me hard every time they called him by name. It made me glad that we picked a name that was a little unusual, so we won't have to hear it every day; but at the same time, it made me wish that we had named him something that I'll never hear in casual conversation so I won't have to think about him. It's not really that I don't want to think about Jude, it's just that I don't want to be caught off guard with overwhelming thoughts of him.
I don't know if this is ever going to be easy. I just pray that God will give me strength to make it through.

This coping thing is hard

It's been over 3 weeks, and you would think that I would be getting the hang of coping by now, but I'm really not. I don't know...sometimes I'm great. Sometimes I'm happy. I've even laughed at silly stuff with my friends and my kiddos and my hubby. But sometimes, it just all seems so bleak. I miss Jude so bad. I even miss being sick and pregnant. We went out to eat the other night, and it seemed like every woman in the restaurant was pregnant. It made me sad. I'm trying so hard not to be jealous of other people, but it's hard. Hopefully, the coping thing will get easier with time, but for right now, I almost feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

The Memorial

Sorry I haven't written since we had the memorial service on Tuesday. It's really hard for me to write these days. For the most part, from moment to moment, I'm doing pretty well, but trying to think about sitting down to write specifically about Jude is really, really tough.
The service was absolutely the most perfect service that I can imagine. Derek and Holly sang three songs that so perfectly fit us and our feelings. Jeff gave a great service, and really gave us a lot of comfort. So many people were there to support us. It was really a great feeling of love. I'm so thankful that God has given us such a great support network to get us through this time.
After the service, a lot of people stayed around and we visited. It almost turned into a celebration of fellowship. I'm glad that even in the saddest of times, we were able to find joy.
Since the memorial, I've been getting by. I break down crying a lot, but I think that's to be expected. I just miss him so much. But I know that he's not hurting anymore, so I'm happy for that.
BJ went back to work a few nights ago. I'm almost jealous of him for having a distraction. He'd think I'm crazy for being jealous of his being able to work. Physically, I feel like I could probably go back anytime, but I know that would be pushing it. Emotionally, I know that the time to heal will help me.
Hopefully, I'll get myself together someday. For now, I'm just taking it minute by minute. Thanks again to all who have prayed for us.

Our Memorial day

Today is the day that we will have the memorial for our baby boy Jude. I'm so scared that I'll break down, that I'll make a fool of myself, that all these people who have thought that I've been strong through this whole process will see how weak I really am. I'm thankful that we get to say goodbye, but I don't want to say goodbye to him. I want him back. I want to hold him and love on him and take care of him the way that a Mommy should do. But I know that's not possible.
Yesterday, Britney (who has been such a blessing to me through all of this) took me to run errands to try and get things ready for the service. We had to stop by the funeral home to proof the service handouts. They're so adorable, and so perfect. I know I've said before what a wonderful man Grant at Heritage is, but I don't think I can ever say it enough. Before we left, he gave me my locket so that I can wear it today. It's a small silver heart, and inside it are part of Jude's cremated remains. I'm so blessed to be able to have such a special reminder of my little boy and wear it close to my heart, and I'm so thankful that I will have it with me during the service today.
I know I've said thank you a million times to all who have prayed, but I will continue to say it again and again. Your prayers and the grace of God are all that has gotten me through. I'm so thankful to be surrounded by such love.

The hardest part is finally over

Wow, it doesn't feel like Monday was only a few days ago. This week has been so long and difficult. I'll start from the beginning...

I didn't really sleep Sunday night. I was way too keyed up. But on Monday morning, we got everything together, put it in the car and headed out. We dropped Savanna off at the babysitter's, then went to Washington Regional to see my mom before her surgery. We got to Willow Creek right at 8:30, just like they told me to do. I got changed and we waited. And waited. And waited. Have I ever mentioned that I'm impatient, and that God has clearly been trying to work on my patience through all of this? Anyway, at 10 (the time the surgery was scheduled for), they came in and told me that the doctor didn't get the schedule change, so he'd be there at 11. The nurse came in and got my IV going and gave me some stuff to calm my tummy down and relax me just a little. Several other people came in and gave me words of encouragement, and a lady from the NICU brought down a beautiful basket with a baby blanket in it. I was surrounded by people who loved me...BJ, Jeff (our preacher), Carol, JennMac, and then Rhonda came in before I got wheeled back. I felt very surrounded by love. The doctor came in to explain the procedure to me, and the anesthesiologist gave me all the information about what he was going to do. I was incredibly nervous, but felt the peace that only God can provide.

The nurses took me into the OR several minutes before BJ could join us. The anesthesiologist gave me a spinal block (which was much easier than an epidural, by the way), and they started testing my reactions to touch and temperature on different parts of my body). The medicine kicked in quickly, and it didn't take too long before they started cutting me open. The surgery itself was incredibly difficult. The baby's abdomen was too large, and he was stuck, so the doctor had to drain the fluid from his bladder before they could get him out. It was very scary, but BJ did a really good job of being comforting. The anesthesiologist and the doctor were incredible, too. I prayed a lot, and recited lyrics to praise songs to try and keep myself calm. It worked for the most part, but some of the time I was really freaked out. When they finally got baby Jude out, he still had a heartbeat, but it was very faint. He was with us for a few minutes before he went to Heaven. The doctor was incredibly awesome, and told me that Jude was with Jesus now. I had no idea how tiny my little guy would be. He was so small and fragile looking, but incredibly beautiful. I had been afraid that I would be frightened of what he would look like, and that I would be afraid to hold him after he was gone, but once I saw him, all those fears melted away. He was so beautiful. He had Savanna's cute little nose in the middle of a miniature image of Declan's face. The perfect combination of BJ's and my genes.
Everyone at the hospital was awesome. They really seemed genuinely sorry for our loss. I'm so thankful for such a wonderful, caring staff. We got to keep Jude with us until about 5PM. Then, Grant from the funeral home came to take our baby. Can I just say what an incredible blessing this man is??? He was so caring, and has been so nice and supportive through this whole process.
I only stayed in the hospital for about 48 hours. Thankfully, my body is healing well, especially considering how difficult the surgery was. Since I've been home, I've had so much support from my friends and my church family. I've not had to cook any meals, and I've had lots of help with cleaning and taking care of Savanna.
This whole process has been so difficult, but I have been so incredibly blessed by the outpouring of love and support that I've felt from so many people. It gives me hope that this world hasn't completely gone to hell yet. That may sound like a very jaded thing to say, but the past few years have made me see so much that is wrong with the world. These past few months have shown me things that are right with the world...that God is moving, and that He is able to care for me, even in the darkest of moments.
Don't get me wrong...I'm very, very, very sad. I miss my baby boy so much. I wish I could hold him just once more, or feel him move in my tummy again. But I do have peace that he is in a better place, and that some day, I'll see him again. Until then, I'll hold on to the hope of better days, and hold on to my husband and my beautiful kids that are still here with me.
Tuesday night is the memorial service for my little guy. I think it will be the hardest part to get through. I pray that God will give me strength, and that I will make it through in one piece. Our family's road to recovery will be a long one, and I'm sure there will be detours along the way. I just pray that we'll use this whole experience to draw us closer to the One who brought us through it.

Today is the big day

Today is the big day for my c-section. I never posted after the other day, but all of the doctors I saw agreed that delivering now is best for my little Jude. If you notice the timestamp on this message, you'll see that I'm having a hard time sleeping.
I'm just so overcome with emotion right now. I'm relieved to know that the last few months of dread and sickness are almost over. I'm excited to meet my little Jude. I'm terrified of holding a little guy that I know isn't going to be with us very long. I'm even more terrified of holding him after he goes to heaven, and all that is left is the shell of his little broken body. I'm nervous about having to get cut open. I'm thankful to God for His faithfulness in getting BJ and I through this incredibly challenging situation. I'm overwhelmingly blessed by the outpouring of love I've felt from my New Springs family, my friends, my mom, and even from total strangers through this whole ordeal.
Thanks again to all who have prayed. Please continue to pray today. It will be a rough day, but I'm thankful God has given it to us.

This whole situation stinks.

Things here still really stink. The baby still has a heart beat. Poor little guy. We had an ultrasound yesterday, and seeing him was so sad. His bladder is so enlarged that his abdomen protrudes out at least a centimeter further than the tip of his nose. The ultrasound tech also said that it's putting so much pressure on the bottom of his spine that the it's keeping his lower extremeties from developing any further. It's all so sad. I've been incredibly sick for weeks. I can eat, but I don't keep much down...not even liquids...so I've had to go to the ER multiple times for fluids. I asked the dr yesterday if there was anything I could do about the nausea. He said that I'm just going to be sick until this is all over, because the baby's system is not filtering any toxins, so my body is having to do double the work, and it just can't keep up. I asked how much longer are we talking about, and he said that we'd keep going until the baby has no heartbeat or until he's willing to do a c-section...at 37 weeks! That's 12 more weeks of me being incredibly sick, and possibly doing damage to my kidneys and liver. That answer made BJ livid. When we got home, BJ said "I know you love your doctor, but I think his answers are bogus, and I think we need to get a second opinion." So, I called my nurse, and she's setting me up for a second opinion. I'll see a dr that I saw before in one of my ER visits, who told me then that I had options that my dr wasn't discussing with me. Basically, the plan is this...I'll meet with the 2nd opinion dr on Thursday. If he is in agreement with my dr that Jude is "incompatible with life" (meaning, he has no chance of living whether he's born at 25 weeks or at 37 weeks), then he'll refer me to yet another dr at an outside clinic for a third opinion. If the third dr is in agreement, then they will go to the ethics committee at the hospital and petition to do an early c-section.
My prayer right now is for all of the doctors to be in agreement, and that they'll deliver my precious boy soon. I need to feel better, and I need the peace of knowing that Jude is not suffering anymore.
I honestly plan to scan in at least the precious face picture of my little guy soon. Thanks again for all the prayers.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I went to the doctor yesterday for my weekly heart tone check. Nothing is new...Jude is still there, and is still fighting. It's so incredibly hard for me. We KNOW that he can't survive. The doctors are amazed that he's made it this far. But he still keeps hanging in there. What is he waiting for? Or, more importantly, what is GOD waiting for? There has to be a reason that He hasn't taken Jude to heaven yet. Is it because I haven't fully turned it over to Him, even though I feel like I have? I've tried so hard to be patient. I really thought that was the lesson God was trying to teach me in all of this. But how much patience do I have to have? We found out there was a problem in November. We found out there was no chance for survival in December. I've been pretty patient, haven't I? I mean, I've tried to "hang in there", but I'm tired of hanging in. I'm just ready for some peace and for some closure. I need it desperately. I'm praying God will give it to me.
Thanks again to all who are praying and who have been so supportive through all of this. I wouldn't be making it this far if it weren't for all my friends and New Springs family that have consistently showed me their love.

A glimmer of sunshine

I'm so tired of being negative all the time. I feel that I've lost the usual Tonya in all of the chaos and sadness. I miss happy Tonya. I know that I can't be carefree right now, but I have to try and get through these days.
It's been hard. The Jude situation alone is enough to bring anyone to their knees, but on top of that, I've had work issues to deal with. My boss cut my job back to 4 days a week starting next week. Financially, I just don't know how we can survive that.
BUT I've been going to therapy, and even though I don't know that I'm getting my money's worth out of it, there are a few things that I'm getting. First, I have to try and relieve the financial stressors. I can't go out and get a second job, but I can try and transfer to a position where I can continue to work full-time. By God's grace, I have an interview today for a new position in the hospital. I pray that will work out.
Second, I have to try and not wallow in my sadness. I don't remember the last day I put on make up or fixed my hair. I just don't have the energy or the drive. But, thanks to the interview today, I got up this morning, and put on makeup and fixed my hair. I even have on cute shoes for a change. It's amazing how much better just those few little things make me feel about myself. I've just been so wrapped up in sorrow, that looking good wasn't even on my mind. But I feel pretty good just by looking decent. In fact, when I looked in the mirror this morning, I thought, "Wow, I kind of look cute today!" Trust me, I haven't had that thought in a long, long time.
So, things aren't great. I don't think they will be for a while, but I'm putting my faith in God, and He's going to get us through this. And just a few little things make me see a little glimmer of sunshine for the first time in a long while. Praise God for all things.

Another ER Visit

That's two this week. I have been having a hard time keeping food down for a long time, on Tuesday night, I couldn't even keep liquids down. I went to the ER on Wednesday, and they said I was dehydrated. They kept me several hours and gave me a couple of bags of IV fluids and some IV antinausea meds. Thursday, I felt quite a bit better, and even worked all day. On Friday, though, I was feeling bad again. I went to work and had gotten sick 4 times by 10AM. I called the doctor, and he called in another prescription for me and told me if I couldn't keep that down to go back to the ER for more fluids. Well, I couldn't keep it down. So, I went back to the ER and got another 2 1/2 bags of fluids and more antinausea meds. When I got home last night, I ate (and kept down) a baked potato, so that was good.
I actually feel pretty good this morning for a change.
I'm happy that I feel good for once, but I'm sad that this whole situation has taken such a toll on me, physically and emotionally. I'm just ready for everything to be over so I can go through the grieving process, and then I can start the road to feeling normal again.

Please Just Pray

This is a direct copy from what I emailed to my pastor today to send a prayer request to my church. Please pray for me and for my Baby Jude.
I just got back from the doctor's office, and I have an update on Baby Jude. Today, they had an even harder time than normal finding Jude's heartbeat because my heart was beating so fast, and his was beating more slowly than usual. Because they couldn't find it with the doppler, they did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. He still was wiggling a little, and still had a heartbeat. Unfortunately, the news is still very, very bad. Jude's bladder is now three times as large as his head. The doctor says that there is no way that I will go to term (we knew that before), but there is now no way that I will be able to deliver a live baby. Jude's bladder will continue to grow until it compresses the heart and stops the heart from beating. At that point, they will deliver. Right now, we don't have an estimate on when that will happen. No matter what, because of the size of his abdomen, and because he is in a breech position, they will have to do a c-section to deliver.
Because of all this new information, my prayer request is changing. Please ask for God to help us make it through this time, but also ask Him to help the time come swiftly. This whole situation has been so hard, and now that there is absolutely no hope for a live baby, I want him to be with Jesus.
Thank you for all the prayers so far. We wouldn't be making it through this situation without the love and support of our New Springs family.

Update

This has been a rough week. I've been incredibly sick to my stomach, and didn't keep food down for several days. I went to the doctor yesterday so they could check me out. Jude's heart rate was still normal, and there wasn't really much of an explanation for why I'm feeling so sick. The doctor gave me a prescription for some meds that help with the nausea, but they make me completely knocked out, so I have to be really careful about taking them. The doctor also did a test strip to make sure that my water hadn't broken, because I've had some problems with that this week. He said that was still fine.
I'll go in again on Monday for them to listen to Jude's heart. He just keeps on fighting. I'm proud of my little guy.

Update

I had a doctor's appointment this morning. If mine were a "normal" pregnancy, today would have been a really exciting appointment. It would have been the day I got my ultrasound, saw the little guy for the first time, found out gender...all that fun stuff. Instead, it was a very blah appointment. The doctor listened for the heartbeat. It was still there, and still in the very normal range (140s). My little Jude is definitely a tough little guy. The doctor and I talked about depression, and how I'm not a crazy person to be sad about what's going on. And we talked about the future. For now, we're just continuing to take it week by week. I'll go in next Monday for another heart rate check, and then again on the next Monday. Then 3 weeks from today I'll see the doctor again. I don't know how I can endure this that much longer. I just hope that God gives me the strength to survive it.
The only teeny tiny shred of good news is that the doctor told me today he's not going to make me do gestational diabetes testing. I'm really happy about that because I was diagnosed with it with Savanna, and poking my fingers twice a day was not fun at all. Of course, I know that he's not doing it because gestational diabetes is absolutely the least of my worries in this pregnancy.
I do have to say that everyone at my doctor's office is absolutely amazing and caring. The doctor told me that lots of people are praying for me, and reminded me that I have to lean on God to get me through this. His exact words were "He will be your rock, but you have to let Him be." I think that's good advice. And my nurse told me that she's praying for me and that she put me (anonymously to preserve patient confidentiality) on the prayer list at her church too. It's nice to know that I have so many people thinking about me and Jude and my whole family. I know I can get through this, it's just really hard right now...

On a Happier Note...

Okay...this blog has been a lot of gloom, and I need a smile. Do you?
Last night, I wanted to hear the song "Hey Jude" (baby boy's namesake!), so I looked it up on YouTube, and I found this video. It made me giggle, and Heaven knows that I need as many giggles as I can get right now.
I hope it brings a little bit of a bright spot to your day.

Another Update

I probably should have updated this a few days ago, but I just haven't had the heart. This whole thing is so difficult, I'm just so thankful for God's grace helping me to get through.
We went back to Little Rock on Monday. BJ went with me this time. He cried the whole time we were watching the ultrasound. He's so tenderhearted. That's a good thing, although he seems to think it's not. Everything this time looked basically like it did last time...bad. The baby's bladder continues to grow. It's very sad. On the ultrasound, it just looks like a big black hole that takes up Jude's whole abdomen. The kidneys are now beginning to lose function, and the fluid levels are going down. Poor little guy. Thank God that the doctors don't think he can feel any pain yet. I would imagine that would be terribly painful and miserable.
He is really cute, though. (Well...that's a mommy talking, and only from looking at ultrasound pictures...) But, his little face looks perfect, and his arms are always in the prayer position. He knows we're all praying for him. At least I'd like to think so.
I went back to my doctor on Wednesday, and they got good heart tones still. Then, yesterday, I went in to drop off some paperwork, and my nurse, Melissa (the most awesome nurse I can imagine!), asked me if I wanted to listen for heart tones again. Of course I said yes. Just hearing Jude's little heart beating is like connecting with him on a way that I don't feel I can very often. She listened for several minutes, and couldn't find a heartbeat. So, she took me back and we did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. I guess he was just hiding from Melissa. The ultrasound tech and Melissa were both taken aback by how large his bladder is. They both said they'd never seen anything like it. My baby is special. And, honestly, it's a miracle that he's fought this long in my uterus to live. To think that on November 11 they told me that he would be gone the next day, and here it is two months later, and he's still fighting. He's stubborn...like his Mommy.
The nurse did tell me that once I'm past 20 weeks (which is a week and a half from now), we will have to have a burial for Jude. Part of me is sad about that, but part of me is glad that I'll have that closure. I hope that Jeff will perform the service and that Derek and Holly will sing. I already have songs in mind. I hope that doesn't sound morbid or anything, I just am trying to be realistic, and I am all about planning every last detail, so I think it's okay for me to think about that stuff right now. I know I won't feel like thinking about it when I have to think about it.
Everyone says that everything happens for a reason. I'm not struggling with trying to find the reasons for this. I'm done blaming myself, and I'm done feeling guilty about the situation. I feel that God is teaching me patience through this. I've never been a patient person, but this has forced my hand. I can't rush what God is doing right now, and I think, in the end, it will be good for me. All my life, I've told God what I want Him to do instead of allowing Him to take control. Now, I'm letting go, and letting God do what he wants to - for the very first time in my life.
For now, I'm just holding on to God's promises. I'm trying to remember that He is my strength, and that He is the only one that can get me through.
Thanks again to all who are praying. I'll try to scan in pictures of little Jude in the next day or two.

Update

I know I haven't posted in a long time. I guess there's not much to tell. Unfortunately, the problems with the baby are taking a toll on my health. I had to go to the ER on New Year's Day because I had gotten so dehydrated and I passed out and hit my head. Things are just rough for me right now.
I'll go to Little Rock again on Monday. I'll update after I get home from that.