It has been two years since we found out for sure that there was no chance for Jude to live. I can't explain how hard it is to have a doctor tell you that your child is "incompatible with life". Those are such ugly words, and it's not something I would have ever thought that anyone would use to describe my baby.
Since that time, I've lost so much. I lost Jude, of course, but the rest of my life has been turned upside down, as well. I lost my husband, my home, and a lot of myself. I couldn't handle the high-stress job I was in with all of the high-stress of my personal life, and moved to a much lower-paying lower-stress job. I've watched my mom fight cancer, and saw my little girl go lifeless after choking on food.
It's been a hard couple of years. There is no way that I could have survived it without faith in God and the love and support of my family and friends.
I know there are a lot of people in the world right now who are struggling with hurts, with losses, with chaos, and even just with day-to-day stresses of life. I pray that at least one of them will find this blog and will get at least a glimmer of hope from it.
God is faithful! What happened to Jude was not *fair*, and it was extremely tragic. But He has done good work in me through my suffering. He has taught me that I am stronger than I thought I was (because HE is my strength). He has taught me to cherish the things and the people that I still have, because every moment is a gift. He has taught me to be patient, because He does things in HIS time, not in mine. He has taught me to love, and to allow myself to be loved. And He has taught me to let Him handle the things that I can't control.
My life today is not perfect. No one's life ever is. But it is getting better. It is so much better right now than I could have dreamed it would be. I still have my Mommy, and I cherish every moment with her. I still have Savanna, and I am thankful for what a beautiful, precious gift she is. I still have people that love me and have people that want good things for me. I still have a job and am able to pay my bills. I have hopes for a bright future that I can appreciate like no other because it's so much better than the past! And I have a Savior who will get me through if any of those things ever start to waiver.
Time heals the hurts of yesterday. So, if anyone reading this blog is struggling with hurts today, I hope you'll remember that someday this will be a yesterday, and it will get better.