I just finished updating Savanna's blog. I hadn't updated it in a while, and I had lots of pictures to post. I feel bad that I'm so wrapped up in myself and in my sadness that I don't focus on her as much as I want to. She is so amazing. Absolutely beautiful and wonderful and sweet and smart and funny and every other perfect adjective that I can think of. I love her more than I can say, but I just feel robbed that I won't get to watch Jude grow like I get to watch her. I'm so thankful for her, and I hope I don't ever take for granted how blessed I am to have her...I just wish I had her little brother, too.
On top of all my feelings of inadequacy with Savanna, I'm really struggling with my role as a step-mom right now. We had Josie all week last week for Spring Break, and we have both Jos and Dec all week this week. I love, love, love, love, love my step kids, but they're soooo attached to their dad. I know that's a good thing. But, them being so attached to him sometimes makes me feel unwanted and unloved. BJ has been working overnights, and every night that he has to work, Josie freaks out and cries because he's not going to be here. It makes me feel so bad about myself...like she doesn't like me or something. I hate that. And I'm totally not used to it. My whole life, kids have loved me. It makes me feel horrible to feel like my own step kids don't love me.
I don't know...maybe all of this is just a result of overwhelming hormones from the past month. But right now, I feel like a total failure as a mommy. I couldn't sustain my little Jude's life, my little Vanni doesn't get the mommy she deserves, and my step kids could care less about me. I pray I can be a good mom someday.