Sunday, June 28, 2009


So, with my new job, I'm out and about at clinics all the time. On Thursday, as I was walking into one of our family practice clinics, I stopped to hold the door open for a young lady who was walking in. I guess she saw my badge and assumed I worked there, so she started to tell me about her condition. She told me that she is 6 months pregnant, and has been having what she thinks are contractions all morning, and asked me what she needed to do. I told her that I'm not the right person to ask that question, but that she probably should go see an OB/GYN. She told me that she HADN'T EVEN BEEN TO SEE ONE HER WHOLE PREGANCY! I don't know why she hasn't done this, because she also informed me that she has "pregnant woman's medicaid". I was taken aback, but I was very nice to her...I gave her instructions on where to go to get help, and she went on her way. After she was gone, jealousy set in. She's 6 months pregant, and she hasn't even cared about her baby enough to go see a doctor! I called and made my first prenatal appointment within minutes of seeing the positive indicator on the pregnancy test! And, if she doesn't even care enough to see doctors during the pregnancy, is she doing other things to take care of herself? Is she eating right? Is she avoiding all the things a pregnant woman should avoid (esp drugs and alcohol)? And if she's not taking care of the baby now, will she take care of him after he is born? It makes me so jealous. I mean, I tried so hard to take such good care of myself when I was pregnant with Jude, but it did me no good. By the time I was as far along as this lady, I was planning a delivery and a funeral. She'll probably get a perfectly healthy baby, and I got less than an hour with a little guy that I knew was on his way to heaven.
I know it's not good to be jealous, but it's so hard not to be. It's just not fair.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


I know that I've been missing in action from posting on this blog. Heck, I haven't even posted on Vanni's blog in forever, and hers is fun to post on. Maybe everyone has even forgotten that this blog exists. If so, maybe that's good. Maybe I can vent and feel like no one's going to read it and think, "this chick is losing her mind". But, even if people reading this think I'm crazy, I just feel I'm led to post here tonight.
Everything is so hard right now. In the last week, I've gone through Jude's 3 month birthday and the due date that he "should" have been born on. Plus, my husband had a birthday. It's so hard for me to help him celebrate. He's not really in the mood for it either. I don't know. It just seems like we're both SO down. I pray for comfort and I pray for peace, but it is so stinking hard right now. I'm just sad. And I want to give in to that sadness. I want to sit and cry for hours and not have to worry about what people will think. And then I want to be the old Tonya again. The one who can be happy, and that can laugh without feeling guilty. But I'm not that Tonya anymore, and I'm terrified that I never will be again.