I'm so tired of being negative all the time. I feel that I've lost the usual Tonya in all of the chaos and sadness. I miss happy Tonya. I know that I can't be carefree right now, but I have to try and get through these days.
It's been hard. The Jude situation alone is enough to bring anyone to their knees, but on top of that, I've had work issues to deal with. My boss cut my job back to 4 days a week starting next week. Financially, I just don't know how we can survive that.
BUT I've been going to therapy, and even though I don't know that I'm getting my money's worth out of it, there are a few things that I'm getting. First, I have to try and relieve the financial stressors. I can't go out and get a second job, but I can try and transfer to a position where I can continue to work full-time. By God's grace, I have an interview today for a new position in the hospital. I pray that will work out.
Second, I have to try and not wallow in my sadness. I don't remember the last day I put on make up or fixed my hair. I just don't have the energy or the drive. But, thanks to the interview today, I got up this morning, and put on makeup and fixed my hair. I even have on cute shoes for a change. It's amazing how much better just those few little things make me feel about myself. I've just been so wrapped up in sorrow, that looking good wasn't even on my mind. But I feel pretty good just by looking decent. In fact, when I looked in the mirror this morning, I thought, "Wow, I kind of look cute today!" Trust me, I haven't had that thought in a long, long time.
So, things aren't great. I don't think they will be for a while, but I'm putting my faith in God, and He's going to get us through this. And just a few little things make me see a little glimmer of sunshine for the first time in a long while. Praise God for all things.