Yesterday was my birthday. Birthdays are supposed to be good days, but I woke up knowing that it was not going to be a good one. I didn't feel good, and I couldn't stop crying uncontrollably. I managed to get it together enough to go to work, and made it through over half the day. In the early afternoon, I went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding. I called my doctor's office and waited for their call back. When the nurse called me back, she asked me to come in for an ultrasound. As soon as the ultrasound started, I knew that something was really wrong. The tech was very quiet and didn't show me anything on the screen. After she was done, she verified that the baby was at the right size for 10 weeks (which is exactly how far along we thought I was), and told me that she had a picture for me, but she wanted the doctor to talk to me about what the ultrasound showed. My heart sank. I knew that couldn't be good. A few minutes later, the nurse came to get me and took me into an exam room. Her words broke my heart. "What we have here is a very, very sick baby." She went on to tell me that the baby's heart isn't developing correctly. He (I'll call the baby he, even though external organs haven't developed yet, so we really don't know...) only has one heart chamber, as opposed to the 4 that he should have. His heart rate is only 110, not at all what it should be. The nurse told me that there's no way that my baby can survive. Wow. That's so incredibly hard to hear.
What's even harder is that now I have to wait. I go back to the doctor today at 1:45 PM for him to discuss "the plan" with me.
This is all so hard. BJ is heartbroken. I'm distraught. I feel lost and alone and guilty that maybe I did something wrong that kept my baby from growing the way he should have. I just pray that my baby is not suffering. I pray that God will give me and BJ peace. I pray that someday I'll be able to accept that God has a plan for me, and this is a part of it. For right now, that's a very difficult thing to grasp.