This whole situation stinks.

Things here still really stink. The baby still has a heart beat. Poor little guy. We had an ultrasound yesterday, and seeing him was so sad. His bladder is so enlarged that his abdomen protrudes out at least a centimeter further than the tip of his nose. The ultrasound tech also said that it's putting so much pressure on the bottom of his spine that the it's keeping his lower extremeties from developing any further. It's all so sad. I've been incredibly sick for weeks. I can eat, but I don't keep much down...not even liquids...so I've had to go to the ER multiple times for fluids. I asked the dr yesterday if there was anything I could do about the nausea. He said that I'm just going to be sick until this is all over, because the baby's system is not filtering any toxins, so my body is having to do double the work, and it just can't keep up. I asked how much longer are we talking about, and he said that we'd keep going until the baby has no heartbeat or until he's willing to do a c-section...at 37 weeks! That's 12 more weeks of me being incredibly sick, and possibly doing damage to my kidneys and liver. That answer made BJ livid. When we got home, BJ said "I know you love your doctor, but I think his answers are bogus, and I think we need to get a second opinion." So, I called my nurse, and she's setting me up for a second opinion. I'll see a dr that I saw before in one of my ER visits, who told me then that I had options that my dr wasn't discussing with me. Basically, the plan is this...I'll meet with the 2nd opinion dr on Thursday. If he is in agreement with my dr that Jude is "incompatible with life" (meaning, he has no chance of living whether he's born at 25 weeks or at 37 weeks), then he'll refer me to yet another dr at an outside clinic for a third opinion. If the third dr is in agreement, then they will go to the ethics committee at the hospital and petition to do an early c-section.
My prayer right now is for all of the doctors to be in agreement, and that they'll deliver my precious boy soon. I need to feel better, and I need the peace of knowing that Jude is not suffering anymore.
I honestly plan to scan in at least the precious face picture of my little guy soon. Thanks again for all the prayers.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I went to the doctor yesterday for my weekly heart tone check. Nothing is new...Jude is still there, and is still fighting. It's so incredibly hard for me. We KNOW that he can't survive. The doctors are amazed that he's made it this far. But he still keeps hanging in there. What is he waiting for? Or, more importantly, what is GOD waiting for? There has to be a reason that He hasn't taken Jude to heaven yet. Is it because I haven't fully turned it over to Him, even though I feel like I have? I've tried so hard to be patient. I really thought that was the lesson God was trying to teach me in all of this. But how much patience do I have to have? We found out there was a problem in November. We found out there was no chance for survival in December. I've been pretty patient, haven't I? I mean, I've tried to "hang in there", but I'm tired of hanging in. I'm just ready for some peace and for some closure. I need it desperately. I'm praying God will give it to me.
Thanks again to all who are praying and who have been so supportive through all of this. I wouldn't be making it this far if it weren't for all my friends and New Springs family that have consistently showed me their love.

A glimmer of sunshine

I'm so tired of being negative all the time. I feel that I've lost the usual Tonya in all of the chaos and sadness. I miss happy Tonya. I know that I can't be carefree right now, but I have to try and get through these days.
It's been hard. The Jude situation alone is enough to bring anyone to their knees, but on top of that, I've had work issues to deal with. My boss cut my job back to 4 days a week starting next week. Financially, I just don't know how we can survive that.
BUT I've been going to therapy, and even though I don't know that I'm getting my money's worth out of it, there are a few things that I'm getting. First, I have to try and relieve the financial stressors. I can't go out and get a second job, but I can try and transfer to a position where I can continue to work full-time. By God's grace, I have an interview today for a new position in the hospital. I pray that will work out.
Second, I have to try and not wallow in my sadness. I don't remember the last day I put on make up or fixed my hair. I just don't have the energy or the drive. But, thanks to the interview today, I got up this morning, and put on makeup and fixed my hair. I even have on cute shoes for a change. It's amazing how much better just those few little things make me feel about myself. I've just been so wrapped up in sorrow, that looking good wasn't even on my mind. But I feel pretty good just by looking decent. In fact, when I looked in the mirror this morning, I thought, "Wow, I kind of look cute today!" Trust me, I haven't had that thought in a long, long time.
So, things aren't great. I don't think they will be for a while, but I'm putting my faith in God, and He's going to get us through this. And just a few little things make me see a little glimmer of sunshine for the first time in a long while. Praise God for all things.