That's two this week. I have been having a hard time keeping food down for a long time, on Tuesday night, I couldn't even keep liquids down. I went to the ER on Wednesday, and they said I was dehydrated. They kept me several hours and gave me a couple of bags of IV fluids and some IV antinausea meds. Thursday, I felt quite a bit better, and even worked all day. On Friday, though, I was feeling bad again. I went to work and had gotten sick 4 times by 10AM. I called the doctor, and he called in another prescription for me and told me if I couldn't keep that down to go back to the ER for more fluids. Well, I couldn't keep it down. So, I went back to the ER and got another 2 1/2 bags of fluids and more antinausea meds. When I got home last night, I ate (and kept down) a baked potato, so that was good.
I actually feel pretty good this morning for a change.
I'm happy that I feel good for once, but I'm sad that this whole situation has taken such a toll on me, physically and emotionally. I'm just ready for everything to be over so I can go through the grieving process, and then I can start the road to feeling normal again.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Please Just Pray
This is a direct copy from what I emailed to my pastor today to send a prayer request to my church. Please pray for me and for my Baby Jude.
I just got back from the doctor's office, and I have an update on Baby Jude. Today, they had an even harder time than normal finding Jude's heartbeat because my heart was beating so fast, and his was beating more slowly than usual. Because they couldn't find it with the doppler, they did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. He still was wiggling a little, and still had a heartbeat. Unfortunately, the news is still very, very bad. Jude's bladder is now three times as large as his head. The doctor says that there is no way that I will go to term (we knew that before), but there is now no way that I will be able to deliver a live baby. Jude's bladder will continue to grow until it compresses the heart and stops the heart from beating. At that point, they will deliver. Right now, we don't have an estimate on when that will happen. No matter what, because of the size of his abdomen, and because he is in a breech position, they will have to do a c-section to deliver.
Because of all this new information, my prayer request is changing. Please ask for God to help us make it through this time, but also ask Him to help the time come swiftly. This whole situation has been so hard, and now that there is absolutely no hope for a live baby, I want him to be with Jesus.
Thank you for all the prayers so far. We wouldn't be making it through this situation without the love and support of our New Springs family.
I just got back from the doctor's office, and I have an update on Baby Jude. Today, they had an even harder time than normal finding Jude's heartbeat because my heart was beating so fast, and his was beating more slowly than usual. Because they couldn't find it with the doppler, they did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. He still was wiggling a little, and still had a heartbeat. Unfortunately, the news is still very, very bad. Jude's bladder is now three times as large as his head. The doctor says that there is no way that I will go to term (we knew that before), but there is now no way that I will be able to deliver a live baby. Jude's bladder will continue to grow until it compresses the heart and stops the heart from beating. At that point, they will deliver. Right now, we don't have an estimate on when that will happen. No matter what, because of the size of his abdomen, and because he is in a breech position, they will have to do a c-section to deliver.
Because of all this new information, my prayer request is changing. Please ask for God to help us make it through this time, but also ask Him to help the time come swiftly. This whole situation has been so hard, and now that there is absolutely no hope for a live baby, I want him to be with Jesus.
Thank you for all the prayers so far. We wouldn't be making it through this situation without the love and support of our New Springs family.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Update
This has been a rough week. I've been incredibly sick to my stomach, and didn't keep food down for several days. I went to the doctor yesterday so they could check me out. Jude's heart rate was still normal, and there wasn't really much of an explanation for why I'm feeling so sick. The doctor gave me a prescription for some meds that help with the nausea, but they make me completely knocked out, so I have to be really careful about taking them. The doctor also did a test strip to make sure that my water hadn't broken, because I've had some problems with that this week. He said that was still fine.
I'll go in again on Monday for them to listen to Jude's heart. He just keeps on fighting. I'm proud of my little guy.
I'll go in again on Monday for them to listen to Jude's heart. He just keeps on fighting. I'm proud of my little guy.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Update
I had a doctor's appointment this morning. If mine were a "normal" pregnancy, today would have been a really exciting appointment. It would have been the day I got my ultrasound, saw the little guy for the first time, found out gender...all that fun stuff. Instead, it was a very blah appointment. The doctor listened for the heartbeat. It was still there, and still in the very normal range (140s). My little Jude is definitely a tough little guy. The doctor and I talked about depression, and how I'm not a crazy person to be sad about what's going on. And we talked about the future. For now, we're just continuing to take it week by week. I'll go in next Monday for another heart rate check, and then again on the next Monday. Then 3 weeks from today I'll see the doctor again. I don't know how I can endure this that much longer. I just hope that God gives me the strength to survive it.
The only teeny tiny shred of good news is that the doctor told me today he's not going to make me do gestational diabetes testing. I'm really happy about that because I was diagnosed with it with Savanna, and poking my fingers twice a day was not fun at all. Of course, I know that he's not doing it because gestational diabetes is absolutely the least of my worries in this pregnancy.
I do have to say that everyone at my doctor's office is absolutely amazing and caring. The doctor told me that lots of people are praying for me, and reminded me that I have to lean on God to get me through this. His exact words were "He will be your rock, but you have to let Him be." I think that's good advice. And my nurse told me that she's praying for me and that she put me (anonymously to preserve patient confidentiality) on the prayer list at her church too. It's nice to know that I have so many people thinking about me and Jude and my whole family. I know I can get through this, it's just really hard right now...
The only teeny tiny shred of good news is that the doctor told me today he's not going to make me do gestational diabetes testing. I'm really happy about that because I was diagnosed with it with Savanna, and poking my fingers twice a day was not fun at all. Of course, I know that he's not doing it because gestational diabetes is absolutely the least of my worries in this pregnancy.
I do have to say that everyone at my doctor's office is absolutely amazing and caring. The doctor told me that lots of people are praying for me, and reminded me that I have to lean on God to get me through this. His exact words were "He will be your rock, but you have to let Him be." I think that's good advice. And my nurse told me that she's praying for me and that she put me (anonymously to preserve patient confidentiality) on the prayer list at her church too. It's nice to know that I have so many people thinking about me and Jude and my whole family. I know I can get through this, it's just really hard right now...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
On a Happier Note...
Okay...this blog has been a lot of gloom, and I need a smile. Do you?
Last night, I wanted to hear the song "Hey Jude" (baby boy's namesake!), so I looked it up on YouTube, and I found this video. It made me giggle, and Heaven knows that I need as many giggles as I can get right now.
I hope it brings a little bit of a bright spot to your day.
Last night, I wanted to hear the song "Hey Jude" (baby boy's namesake!), so I looked it up on YouTube, and I found this video. It made me giggle, and Heaven knows that I need as many giggles as I can get right now.
I hope it brings a little bit of a bright spot to your day.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Another Update
I probably should have updated this a few days ago, but I just haven't had the heart. This whole thing is so difficult, I'm just so thankful for God's grace helping me to get through.
We went back to Little Rock on Monday. BJ went with me this time. He cried the whole time we were watching the ultrasound. He's so tenderhearted. That's a good thing, although he seems to think it's not. Everything this time looked basically like it did last time...bad. The baby's bladder continues to grow. It's very sad. On the ultrasound, it just looks like a big black hole that takes up Jude's whole abdomen. The kidneys are now beginning to lose function, and the fluid levels are going down. Poor little guy. Thank God that the doctors don't think he can feel any pain yet. I would imagine that would be terribly painful and miserable.
He is really cute, though. (Well...that's a mommy talking, and only from looking at ultrasound pictures...) But, his little face looks perfect, and his arms are always in the prayer position. He knows we're all praying for him. At least I'd like to think so.
I went back to my doctor on Wednesday, and they got good heart tones still. Then, yesterday, I went in to drop off some paperwork, and my nurse, Melissa (the most awesome nurse I can imagine!), asked me if I wanted to listen for heart tones again. Of course I said yes. Just hearing Jude's little heart beating is like connecting with him on a way that I don't feel I can very often. She listened for several minutes, and couldn't find a heartbeat. So, she took me back and we did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. I guess he was just hiding from Melissa. The ultrasound tech and Melissa were both taken aback by how large his bladder is. They both said they'd never seen anything like it. My baby is special. And, honestly, it's a miracle that he's fought this long in my uterus to live. To think that on November 11 they told me that he would be gone the next day, and here it is two months later, and he's still fighting. He's stubborn...like his Mommy.
The nurse did tell me that once I'm past 20 weeks (which is a week and a half from now), we will have to have a burial for Jude. Part of me is sad about that, but part of me is glad that I'll have that closure. I hope that Jeff will perform the service and that Derek and Holly will sing. I already have songs in mind. I hope that doesn't sound morbid or anything, I just am trying to be realistic, and I am all about planning every last detail, so I think it's okay for me to think about that stuff right now. I know I won't feel like thinking about it when I have to think about it.
Everyone says that everything happens for a reason. I'm not struggling with trying to find the reasons for this. I'm done blaming myself, and I'm done feeling guilty about the situation. I feel that God is teaching me patience through this. I've never been a patient person, but this has forced my hand. I can't rush what God is doing right now, and I think, in the end, it will be good for me. All my life, I've told God what I want Him to do instead of allowing Him to take control. Now, I'm letting go, and letting God do what he wants to - for the very first time in my life.
For now, I'm just holding on to God's promises. I'm trying to remember that He is my strength, and that He is the only one that can get me through.
Thanks again to all who are praying. I'll try to scan in pictures of little Jude in the next day or two.
We went back to Little Rock on Monday. BJ went with me this time. He cried the whole time we were watching the ultrasound. He's so tenderhearted. That's a good thing, although he seems to think it's not. Everything this time looked basically like it did last time...bad. The baby's bladder continues to grow. It's very sad. On the ultrasound, it just looks like a big black hole that takes up Jude's whole abdomen. The kidneys are now beginning to lose function, and the fluid levels are going down. Poor little guy. Thank God that the doctors don't think he can feel any pain yet. I would imagine that would be terribly painful and miserable.
He is really cute, though. (Well...that's a mommy talking, and only from looking at ultrasound pictures...) But, his little face looks perfect, and his arms are always in the prayer position. He knows we're all praying for him. At least I'd like to think so.
I went back to my doctor on Wednesday, and they got good heart tones still. Then, yesterday, I went in to drop off some paperwork, and my nurse, Melissa (the most awesome nurse I can imagine!), asked me if I wanted to listen for heart tones again. Of course I said yes. Just hearing Jude's little heart beating is like connecting with him on a way that I don't feel I can very often. She listened for several minutes, and couldn't find a heartbeat. So, she took me back and we did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. I guess he was just hiding from Melissa. The ultrasound tech and Melissa were both taken aback by how large his bladder is. They both said they'd never seen anything like it. My baby is special. And, honestly, it's a miracle that he's fought this long in my uterus to live. To think that on November 11 they told me that he would be gone the next day, and here it is two months later, and he's still fighting. He's stubborn...like his Mommy.
The nurse did tell me that once I'm past 20 weeks (which is a week and a half from now), we will have to have a burial for Jude. Part of me is sad about that, but part of me is glad that I'll have that closure. I hope that Jeff will perform the service and that Derek and Holly will sing. I already have songs in mind. I hope that doesn't sound morbid or anything, I just am trying to be realistic, and I am all about planning every last detail, so I think it's okay for me to think about that stuff right now. I know I won't feel like thinking about it when I have to think about it.
Everyone says that everything happens for a reason. I'm not struggling with trying to find the reasons for this. I'm done blaming myself, and I'm done feeling guilty about the situation. I feel that God is teaching me patience through this. I've never been a patient person, but this has forced my hand. I can't rush what God is doing right now, and I think, in the end, it will be good for me. All my life, I've told God what I want Him to do instead of allowing Him to take control. Now, I'm letting go, and letting God do what he wants to - for the very first time in my life.
For now, I'm just holding on to God's promises. I'm trying to remember that He is my strength, and that He is the only one that can get me through.
Thanks again to all who are praying. I'll try to scan in pictures of little Jude in the next day or two.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Update
I know I haven't posted in a long time. I guess there's not much to tell. Unfortunately, the problems with the baby are taking a toll on my health. I had to go to the ER on New Year's Day because I had gotten so dehydrated and I passed out and hit my head. Things are just rough for me right now.
I'll go to Little Rock again on Monday. I'll update after I get home from that.
I'll go to Little Rock again on Monday. I'll update after I get home from that.
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