Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Nine Months

I've tried so hard today to avoid the thoughts of my little Jude. But it's been 9 months exactly. When will the day come that I don't wake up on the 2nd of the month and think "Oh, it's been x-number of months today"? Certainly not yet. I just feel like I'm never going to get better...I'm never going to be happy again...I'm never going to be able to make it through. In some ways, it feels like I had him just yesterday, but in others it seems so long ago. So much has happened since then.
At work, I'm not allowed to be sad, so I'm just the usual "Happy Tonya", but let me tell you, that's awfully hard. Especially when I have to take people on tours of Willow Creek or the NICU. Every little baby I see is compared to him in my mind. When will I stop doing that? It's just so hard. And it sucks. And I don't WANT to be "Happy Tonya". I want to be "break down bawling so hard that I can't breathe and I can't move Tonya". But that's not feasible. I've got to take care of me, and I've got to take care of Savanna, and as hard as it is, I have to keep keeping on.
God has been faithful. He has given me strength. But it's still hard. Every day it's hard.
This song has been on my heart lately, and it's given me some strength. I have faith that He'll continue to save me...I just have to be patient as I heal. (Ironically, this particular performance was recorded at a place called Willow Creek Arts Center.)

If anyone out there is still praying for me, please continue to do so. I need all the strength I can get.


JennT said...

I think about you a lot and have meant to contact you more, but haven't been very good at that.

I remember my big breakdown at church, it had been 5 months since I lost Norah but only a month had passed since her due date. It was triggered by something dumb but ended with me in an office with 3 other ladies sobbing- out of control. Since then I have felt more real, like I didn't have to pretend anymore. I stopped answering "how are you?" with "good" and often answered with "I'm making it this week" or barely making it, depending on the week. The second year has been easier for me, but still hard. Even with Micah, its still easy to compare her to what "could have been". Praying for ya!

Deena said...

I still pray for you.

Love you,