MIA

I know that I've been missing in action from posting on this blog. Heck, I haven't even posted on Vanni's blog in forever, and hers is fun to post on. Maybe everyone has even forgotten that this blog exists. If so, maybe that's good. Maybe I can vent and feel like no one's going to read it and think, "this chick is losing her mind". But, even if people reading this think I'm crazy, I just feel I'm led to post here tonight.
Everything is so hard right now. In the last week, I've gone through Jude's 3 month birthday and the due date that he "should" have been born on. Plus, my husband had a birthday. It's so hard for me to help him celebrate. He's not really in the mood for it either. I don't know. It just seems like we're both SO down. I pray for comfort and I pray for peace, but it is so stinking hard right now. I'm just sad. And I want to give in to that sadness. I want to sit and cry for hours and not have to worry about what people will think. And then I want to be the old Tonya again. The one who can be happy, and that can laugh without feeling guilty. But I'm not that Tonya anymore, and I'm terrified that I never will be again.