I had a doctor's appointment this morning. If mine were a "normal" pregnancy, today would have been a really exciting appointment. It would have been the day I got my ultrasound, saw the little guy for the first time, found out gender...all that fun stuff. Instead, it was a very blah appointment. The doctor listened for the heartbeat. It was still there, and still in the very normal range (140s). My little Jude is definitely a tough little guy. The doctor and I talked about depression, and how I'm not a crazy person to be sad about what's going on. And we talked about the future. For now, we're just continuing to take it week by week. I'll go in next Monday for another heart rate check, and then again on the next Monday. Then 3 weeks from today I'll see the doctor again. I don't know how I can endure this that much longer. I just hope that God gives me the strength to survive it.
The only teeny tiny shred of good news is that the doctor told me today he's not going to make me do gestational diabetes testing. I'm really happy about that because I was diagnosed with it with Savanna, and poking my fingers twice a day was not fun at all. Of course, I know that he's not doing it because gestational diabetes is absolutely the least of my worries in this pregnancy.
I do have to say that everyone at my doctor's office is absolutely amazing and caring. The doctor told me that lots of people are praying for me, and reminded me that I have to lean on God to get me through this. His exact words were "He will be your rock, but you have to let Him be." I think that's good advice. And my nurse told me that she's praying for me and that she put me (anonymously to preserve patient confidentiality) on the prayer list at her church too. It's nice to know that I have so many people thinking about me and Jude and my whole family. I know I can get through this, it's just really hard right now...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
On a Happier Note...
Okay...this blog has been a lot of gloom, and I need a smile. Do you?
Last night, I wanted to hear the song "Hey Jude" (baby boy's namesake!), so I looked it up on YouTube, and I found this video. It made me giggle, and Heaven knows that I need as many giggles as I can get right now.
I hope it brings a little bit of a bright spot to your day.
Last night, I wanted to hear the song "Hey Jude" (baby boy's namesake!), so I looked it up on YouTube, and I found this video. It made me giggle, and Heaven knows that I need as many giggles as I can get right now.
I hope it brings a little bit of a bright spot to your day.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Another Update
I probably should have updated this a few days ago, but I just haven't had the heart. This whole thing is so difficult, I'm just so thankful for God's grace helping me to get through.
We went back to Little Rock on Monday. BJ went with me this time. He cried the whole time we were watching the ultrasound. He's so tenderhearted. That's a good thing, although he seems to think it's not. Everything this time looked basically like it did last time...bad. The baby's bladder continues to grow. It's very sad. On the ultrasound, it just looks like a big black hole that takes up Jude's whole abdomen. The kidneys are now beginning to lose function, and the fluid levels are going down. Poor little guy. Thank God that the doctors don't think he can feel any pain yet. I would imagine that would be terribly painful and miserable.
He is really cute, though. (Well...that's a mommy talking, and only from looking at ultrasound pictures...) But, his little face looks perfect, and his arms are always in the prayer position. He knows we're all praying for him. At least I'd like to think so.
I went back to my doctor on Wednesday, and they got good heart tones still. Then, yesterday, I went in to drop off some paperwork, and my nurse, Melissa (the most awesome nurse I can imagine!), asked me if I wanted to listen for heart tones again. Of course I said yes. Just hearing Jude's little heart beating is like connecting with him on a way that I don't feel I can very often. She listened for several minutes, and couldn't find a heartbeat. So, she took me back and we did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. I guess he was just hiding from Melissa. The ultrasound tech and Melissa were both taken aback by how large his bladder is. They both said they'd never seen anything like it. My baby is special. And, honestly, it's a miracle that he's fought this long in my uterus to live. To think that on November 11 they told me that he would be gone the next day, and here it is two months later, and he's still fighting. He's stubborn...like his Mommy.
The nurse did tell me that once I'm past 20 weeks (which is a week and a half from now), we will have to have a burial for Jude. Part of me is sad about that, but part of me is glad that I'll have that closure. I hope that Jeff will perform the service and that Derek and Holly will sing. I already have songs in mind. I hope that doesn't sound morbid or anything, I just am trying to be realistic, and I am all about planning every last detail, so I think it's okay for me to think about that stuff right now. I know I won't feel like thinking about it when I have to think about it.
Everyone says that everything happens for a reason. I'm not struggling with trying to find the reasons for this. I'm done blaming myself, and I'm done feeling guilty about the situation. I feel that God is teaching me patience through this. I've never been a patient person, but this has forced my hand. I can't rush what God is doing right now, and I think, in the end, it will be good for me. All my life, I've told God what I want Him to do instead of allowing Him to take control. Now, I'm letting go, and letting God do what he wants to - for the very first time in my life.
For now, I'm just holding on to God's promises. I'm trying to remember that He is my strength, and that He is the only one that can get me through.
Thanks again to all who are praying. I'll try to scan in pictures of little Jude in the next day or two.
We went back to Little Rock on Monday. BJ went with me this time. He cried the whole time we were watching the ultrasound. He's so tenderhearted. That's a good thing, although he seems to think it's not. Everything this time looked basically like it did last time...bad. The baby's bladder continues to grow. It's very sad. On the ultrasound, it just looks like a big black hole that takes up Jude's whole abdomen. The kidneys are now beginning to lose function, and the fluid levels are going down. Poor little guy. Thank God that the doctors don't think he can feel any pain yet. I would imagine that would be terribly painful and miserable.
He is really cute, though. (Well...that's a mommy talking, and only from looking at ultrasound pictures...) But, his little face looks perfect, and his arms are always in the prayer position. He knows we're all praying for him. At least I'd like to think so.
I went back to my doctor on Wednesday, and they got good heart tones still. Then, yesterday, I went in to drop off some paperwork, and my nurse, Melissa (the most awesome nurse I can imagine!), asked me if I wanted to listen for heart tones again. Of course I said yes. Just hearing Jude's little heart beating is like connecting with him on a way that I don't feel I can very often. She listened for several minutes, and couldn't find a heartbeat. So, she took me back and we did a quick ultrasound to make sure he was still there. He was. I guess he was just hiding from Melissa. The ultrasound tech and Melissa were both taken aback by how large his bladder is. They both said they'd never seen anything like it. My baby is special. And, honestly, it's a miracle that he's fought this long in my uterus to live. To think that on November 11 they told me that he would be gone the next day, and here it is two months later, and he's still fighting. He's stubborn...like his Mommy.
The nurse did tell me that once I'm past 20 weeks (which is a week and a half from now), we will have to have a burial for Jude. Part of me is sad about that, but part of me is glad that I'll have that closure. I hope that Jeff will perform the service and that Derek and Holly will sing. I already have songs in mind. I hope that doesn't sound morbid or anything, I just am trying to be realistic, and I am all about planning every last detail, so I think it's okay for me to think about that stuff right now. I know I won't feel like thinking about it when I have to think about it.
Everyone says that everything happens for a reason. I'm not struggling with trying to find the reasons for this. I'm done blaming myself, and I'm done feeling guilty about the situation. I feel that God is teaching me patience through this. I've never been a patient person, but this has forced my hand. I can't rush what God is doing right now, and I think, in the end, it will be good for me. All my life, I've told God what I want Him to do instead of allowing Him to take control. Now, I'm letting go, and letting God do what he wants to - for the very first time in my life.
For now, I'm just holding on to God's promises. I'm trying to remember that He is my strength, and that He is the only one that can get me through.
Thanks again to all who are praying. I'll try to scan in pictures of little Jude in the next day or two.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Update
I know I haven't posted in a long time. I guess there's not much to tell. Unfortunately, the problems with the baby are taking a toll on my health. I had to go to the ER on New Year's Day because I had gotten so dehydrated and I passed out and hit my head. Things are just rough for me right now.
I'll go to Little Rock again on Monday. I'll update after I get home from that.
I'll go to Little Rock again on Monday. I'll update after I get home from that.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Little Rock Update
Here's the update from the trip to the doctor in Little Rock yesterday...The news isn't good.
The baby has what is called Posterior Urethral Disorder. This means that the valve that would normally allow the bladder to drain is facing the wrong way. It is supposed to allow urine to drain and not allow other things to come in; however, it is currently not allowing any urine to drain. This causes lots of problems, including bladder issues, kidney issues, and most importantly at this point in the pregnancy, does not allow the amniotic fluid to be replenished. So, as the next few weeks go on, and the baby is unable to urinate, the fluid he uses for sustenance becomes less and less. Right now, there is really no hope for survival. We will go back to Little Rock in 3 weeks for another visit. At that point, the doctor will evaluate fluid levels and we'll develop a plan. Basically, the expectation is we'll keep going till the baby has no more fluid, and then deliver, but, again, there isn't really any chance for survival.
The news was bleak, and I'm very sad. But, I do feel a bit more comfort than I have felt in a long time. Please continue to pray for us to have peace and comfort in knowing that God has a plan for us in all of this.
The baby has what is called Posterior Urethral Disorder. This means that the valve that would normally allow the bladder to drain is facing the wrong way. It is supposed to allow urine to drain and not allow other things to come in; however, it is currently not allowing any urine to drain. This causes lots of problems, including bladder issues, kidney issues, and most importantly at this point in the pregnancy, does not allow the amniotic fluid to be replenished. So, as the next few weeks go on, and the baby is unable to urinate, the fluid he uses for sustenance becomes less and less. Right now, there is really no hope for survival. We will go back to Little Rock in 3 weeks for another visit. At that point, the doctor will evaluate fluid levels and we'll develop a plan. Basically, the expectation is we'll keep going till the baby has no more fluid, and then deliver, but, again, there isn't really any chance for survival.
The news was bleak, and I'm very sad. But, I do feel a bit more comfort than I have felt in a long time. Please continue to pray for us to have peace and comfort in knowing that God has a plan for us in all of this.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Still not much to update
Well...it's another Monday, and there's not much to tell. I'm still feeling pretty bad. Minor bleeding, and lots of pain. Saturday morning was pretty much excruciating. (I'm sure I spelled that way wrong.) I couldn't even stand up straight. I've got bronchitis right now, too, so I'm sure the constant coughing isn't helping with the abdominal pain at all.
I've still got one more week till I go to Little Rock. Hopefully, that will go well. So, I continue to wait...
I've still got one more week till I go to Little Rock. Hopefully, that will go well. So, I continue to wait...
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Update
I had to go to the hospital Monday for yet another emergency ultrasound. The good news is that the baby is still there and the heart rate is still in the normal range. The bad news is that there are still problems with the baby. The baby's bladder is very oversized and does not seem to be draining. The doctor thinks that there is a blockage that is causing it to not drain. They have made an appointment for me to go to Little Rock and have an ultrasound with a perinatologist on the 15th to further evaluate the situation, and to make a plan on how to help the baby.
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